New life

When your life changes and your child becomes only distant memory what do you do?
I know we are not alone,but we feel very lonely. Few people can truly feel this deep emptiness that follows you every second of your day.
I wonder how to cover this void, because I already know I can never fill it up. Many people have hopes to be a family, to have children. We had our family, we planned it, lived through the ugly times, but also experienced joy that only your child can give you.
Now we are yet again at the beginning of our journey, this time we know what to expect, but my body is carrying the burden of time. The fear of not knowing if we can ever be a family again is more than I can carry.
Many people call us amazing and an inspiration, I don’t know about any of that. We all fight our battles, big and small.
I catch myself many times a day in the same situation; “How are you?” I know that you don’t actually care how I’m doing but I wish to have a monitor on my chest that will show you my true thoughts at that moment. “I’m fine and what about you?” While my brain screams ;“ my kid died, well, where do I begin, it fucking sucks, it hurts on so many levels, I’m trying to hold this pile of shit together but my hands stink and remind me constantly that this right now is just a pile of shit I was given. Since I don’t believe in God, I have no one to blame and have no faith to convince myself that the pile of stink are actually wonderful gifts.”
So today again, same as yesterday I have smelly hands, but I try to keep those hands busy and hope the stink will not linger on the creations.